Knowing your rating

My father does the rating system. This is something that I was born into. I was the first born and as first born you're rated the most important, until...others come. My brother is a year and a half younger than I and yes he became number one. He held that possession for four years till my sister was born...with a clubbed foot. This came from my dad's side of the family and he felt guilty. .. She became number one. We were always told that we could work up to number one. Key word is, "WORK". Work for love.

My dad move out of our house when I was about 13 I guess. I don't remember the age...Only the pain. My father has not ever darkened my mail box with anything...He has never rang my phone... And never drove up in my drive way. However, for his birthday, Father's Day and Christmas we are to send a card, a present and call or BRING a card and a present.

My father tried to have all of this carried out in my children also. There is seven grand kids and the favorite one would get seven gifts and the least favorite one, would get one. I would feel my kids pain as they learned they were not the favorite this time. I remember what it was like to be the favorite, it was wonderful, but I was usually the last one and I painfully know that feeling too. I could only take it for so long before I said, "So long." Actually I believe my exact words were, "I love you but good bye."

When I was married it was the same type of relationship that I had with my dad though I didn't realize it at the time. I would shower him with affection and/or presents and for the first 19 years of our 21 year marriage he gave me nothing. No affections, no wild flowers from a field, no rub or pat, and no gifts. His mom would buy me things and then say it was from him too. That's not the same thing. After years of trying to explain I was feeling, he said that he would do better. But when you have to make someone give you the simplest of things, it's hollow when you get them.

This brings me to today. I have been going through an e-dating service and I met someone sooo awesome. He usually has flowers and candles lit for me when I arrive at his house. He holds me like I have never been held before. He caresses my skin and moves my hair out of my face, holds my face as he kisses me. When he hugs me, I fall into him and feel like he can hear my thoughts. I feel like this is the one.

I want to tell him how I feel...How much I feel... How deep I feel... I know he hasn't made that last hurdle of his emotions. I can feel it. It's nothing that he did. I just know he's not ready. I wait to see what happens and I do want this so very badly. But I need a man that loves me as much as I love him otherwise I'm just living my past... I don't want that. I want a future... I want love.