Twenty-Seven Years ???

I was going through boxes of stuff the other day looking for some paper work and came across my senior picture as I have many times before. This time it was so strange looking at me or is it her. I stopped and was trying to remember what my hopes and dreams were back then. While in high school I took every business class I could and found them interesting. I got pregnant soon after graduation and things became different then what I had planned. I wonder where I would be now if I had followed through with going into a business office. I know that I couldn't have gotten married to my ex-husband (Jon) or if I had, it wouldn't have ended much earlier.

At the time that this picture was taken, I was going with a guy that was three years older then me. He was a drummer, working at the cement plant and going to college. I was still a virgin (in the since that he had never interred me). I broke up with him just before Christmas. A few months later he was asking me to go back to him and telling me that he would raise the baby as his own and not to tell the real father about the pregnancy being his. My life would have gone closer to the plan then. This man encouraged me to do what I dreamed. Hmm... I broke up with him because he never worried about where I was and what I was doing, he knew I was his. I thought that meant that he didn't care.

Twenty seven years later... Comparing these two pictures, not just visually but mentally. Now, I'm back in school and I'm looking for a man that doesn't worry about where I am because he knows I'm his. Good god, I took the long way around on that one.

the LORD's day?

It's Sunday morning and I will be working today in the restaurant. This is the one day of the week that I don't like working. Those people that have gone to church and now they want to be waited on. They're arrogant and give off this, "How dare you work on Sunday", and the, "They are not giving me much money for a tip because they gave to the church". These people don't even turn they face to look at me. They cut their eyes and look at me sideways. If they truly believe that I shouldn't be working on Sunday, they should not bring their sorry asses out to eat on this day. When they give me too much attitude I ask, "So what was your sermon about?" and you know...They don't usually remember. How about you...Do you remember what your sermon was about???

on the beach

I set in the sand and I watch the waves
my breathing becomes one with the waves
I find my rhythm and
then once again
I feel calm

Cauliflower ear...

I have been on the phone nonstop, to a man that I've never met in person. (This would explain why I haven't been blogging). First of all, he lives in South Dakota which is one on the reasons I haven't met with his touch yet. The other reason is the he is now in Louisiana. He's running from me as fast as he can....hahaha! Actually... No.

When you go in search of a very caring man, you have to know that he will do everything that he can to help those in need. I do know this and so I wasn't surprised when he told me that he had offered to help with catastrophes in the United States. He kept me informed as they called every step of the way. Making sure I was okay with him going. He made sure that it wasn't a surprised when he got the call that he would be going. However, he was surprised at what I told him. I said that I wasn't going anywhere and I will be here waiting when he gets done. In his past the other woman would have said that if he left, she wouldn't be there when he got back. I don't understand the person that feels the need to try to control other people like that.

Building a relationship takes time but when you have a "phone-ship" relationship first you learn more about each other than you normally would with conventional ways of dating someone. All you have is your words about the past and what you want for the future and how it all makes you feel. For many of the guys that I started talking with, they felt horny and couldn't move beyond that. To that I say,"Bye-bye and next". Don't get me wrong, sex is important but I need to know that a man has a brain as well and can talk with some form of intelligence. Also, he needs to have a zest for life. Couch potatoes need not apply. The fact that he is in Louisiana makes me believe that I maybe on the right track with this one. I hope so...

Dating...

Dating in the 70's was much different then it is now and that was while I was still in high school. In the year 2001 I became single again. I dated here and there but they would instantly talk about when we get married...? Scare me...Slow down. So I took a brake from dating.

Months later someone that I thought I knew, asked me out. We dated for about a year but it seamed as if he would pick a fight and then we would be on a brake. While on a trip to George to visit his family for thanks-giving he was still doing this. He would then disappear for hours afterwards. Only to try to make up before morning, probably so that his family wouldn't question it. After we got home he finally told me that he had some business deals that he was taking care of. He paid his way out of those deals and now felt safe in telling me about them. Something about one of his prostitutes had been murdered...I knew him and his wife while they were still married. Knew him 16 years before I ever dated him. His wife never knew about this and still doesn't to this day. I brake up for good and immediately went to the doctor and had a full battery of tests done and followed up with more later.

Months later I was feeling daring and started dating another man. We also dated for about a year. He was ten years my senior but I didn't find that to be a problem. However; from time to time he would get into a cranky mood and that was a problem. He was a contract negotiator for electronic warfare for the government, so I could see where it would be stressful. Of course doing that kind of work he was unable to discuss it. His grandkids come down from Washington for two weeks to visit. We had gone out for a drive and once again he got cranky...The little three year old girl starts singing this song, "Grandpa's got issues, grandpa's got issues...." Over and over again.... Oh my god, I had to laugh. We broke up shortly after that.

For the next 2 1/2 years I didn't date. I started school and was concentrating on my studies. That worked for a while but I couldn't keep avoiding the fact that I don't like being single. I can support myself and I like my company but I would like to share my life with someone. Even in my marriage I didn't feel like I had that.

That brings me to the e-dating thing, with 29 dominations of yada...yada...yada. We've all seen the advertisement. I just want to cut the crap and find the one that it's compatible with me. This is how I met Eric and yes...we are compatible but he didn't have the spark for me. So, I was talking (e-mailing) this other one and I don't know if I quit sending messages or he quit sending me messages, but apparently there wasn't anything there either. Then, I was talking to another one. Well he was talking, I couldn't get a word in edgewise. The part that got me was he didn't have a cell phone because of bad credit and was having a hard time finding a house because of bad credit and...? I was seeing RED flags?! There were others that I was e-mailing and I maybe very critical but one little wrong word and I can't get it out of my mind. I end it and go to the next.

Now, I'm talking to another one. We talk on the phone for hours...hours... and it never seams like we've been on the phone long at all. After I get off the phone I realize that it's after midnight. We have talked about e*v*e*r*y*t*h*i*n*g and feel very computable doing it. He was also married for over 20 years and hasn't dated much. So far...So good. ;)

Rrrrrr...

It's making my crazy...
My posts are not going up right.
Is it me or is it blogger?

trying to get over it

I feel as if I'm loosing my mind. Things have been difficult here lately for me. I broke it off with Eric, as you know and I haven't been the same. I'm just flustered and my posts have been stupid. Ok, well someone suggested bunnies frolicking for a topic to write on. I was thinking, there's an image. Yeah, that's going to help me get it together. Anyway...I go to google to find an image. Did any one go there and look before you put that thought in my mind? Well, here it is...Type it into google...you'll see. This is the first picture on the google search and it isn't helping me forget the fact that I don't have a boyfriend anymore.

A friend told me that as a rule the amount of pain you feel is in direct proportion to the love that you felt. I do believe this. I've remained friends with most of the guys that I've dated and this one has been the same way. However, there was some time of no contact before just being friends. I think maybe he's contacting me too much, too soon and it's not letting me get my bearings straight.

I hope that I've not upset anyone with my chaos. Please bear with me. This too I will get through.

and how are you?

A friend sent me an e-mail that said: It's Monday, Teri. Have you done anything nice for yourself lately?

My response: Well now...Shandi and I did go to the river with the kids on Saturday. However; the baby got sick on the way up, the weather was much cooler and the wind was blowing like hell. But we made the best of it... Only to come back to town and find that both of our mothers were here. We then ended up with a big pain on the left side of our necks and feeling like it needed to be pop back in place. Is that normal, to have that kind of pain when mothers arrive? Meanwhile I have not really done a post in a week, other then little pictures with little comments, trying to stall. Just haven't been ready to deal with my emotions yet. Other than that I'm fuckin peachy... :) And how are you?

Salt Lake City!

Follow your nose and then enjoy...

just to get by

Sometimes I need a little something just to get by. It thought it would be nice to call upon a little fairy to help but I didn't want one with too much sweet shit...I'm not in the mood for that. If anyone else needs to.... you can borrow my fairy. Maybe she will inspire you.




Oh well... back to the real world.

hmmm...

Trying to stay busy?

not there...

It's nothing that you did
it's nothing that I did
but I feel it in your touch
and your not there

You don't want me to go
I don't want to go
but I need it in your touch
and your not there

You want me to wait
you think it might grow
but it's been seven weeks
and it's not there

The longer that I wait
the harder it will be
it's no one's fault
it's just not there

I need you to hear me
I truly and deeply love you
but if your not there
I can't be here

And so I begin to cry
as I say good bye
I will miss you much
you're not here

Dedicated to Eric 7/13/05-9/5/05

wanna play?

wanna play

yes

but there are no rules

ok

shandi's story about her 20's reminded me of this story. When I was first single I didn't want a serious relationship but I did enjoy the fringe benefits. Nick was glad to oblige. Soon after we started he wanted to add to our sex life by adding people. He had some friends that played the game and he wanted us to join them. Nick wanted to be sure that I wasn't going to get jealous and let me know that there were no rules to who can touch who. (Or is it whom?) This was fine by me.

We arrived at Frank and Mary's, entering the family room where there was a unique way of introduction. Nick raised my shirt for Frank to see my breasts and Nick tells him,"she's cool...you can touch." Frank looks at me and asks if it's ok... I smile and say, "Yes." Frank holds my breast and caresses me gently, give me a kiss on the lips and then a kiss with his tongue, then down to my breast with his tongue and his lips. Later we go through the same steps with Mary... Mary really likes being with other girls. Nick had mentioned this to me and so I wasn't surprised. I'm thinking this is going to be fun.

We're all visiting in the living room and my drink is empty. I get up to get another and ask if I can get anything for anyone else, Frank offers to help me. As we are getting the empties into the trash, we decide to go take out the trash. While taking out the trash, things get trashy. When I get back to the house, it's obvious that he's been looking for me. He asks me where I have been. I say, "Taking out the trash." "What does that mean?", he says. I smile, raise my eyebrow three times, put my finger on the side of my mouth pushing imaginary cum into my mouth licking my finger. He tells me, "From now on, don't do anything with anyone unless I'm around."

We had both anticipated that I might be a problem going into this; that I wouldn't be able to handle it emotionally. Niether one of us ever imagined that he would have the problem. We tried again on several occassions to play but unsuccessfully. I don't believe that most people can handle going into an open relationship with out feelings getting in the way.

To this day, Nick questions whether or not this couple has contacted me to play. We have remained friends but can never have a relationship because neither one of us trusts the other.

summer's over? but...

I didn't get to go camping

so, I'm taking you with me...

ahhh... there that's nice.