The timid Teri?

On this day for timid Teri:
I opened a "MySpace" page a couple of days ago and even though I haven't written anything in my profile I have been getting offers right and left. What type of offers you might ask? (Yes I know you didn't ask, but pretend). Well this one gal is looking for someone to "do" her husband and would like it to be me. Then there is also this m/k that wanted to talk about a proposition that they had, MFM. Also there are just single guys looking for someone to play with. They all say the same thing, that the like what they see in my profile. I don't have a profile but what I do have is these four pictures:




See...It's not a blog. In fact you don't have to write a thing.

I went to work only to find out that there were a lot of us working and it probably wouldn't be that busy. So I asked to leave early.

Shandi got home shortly after I did and we decided to go to this new bar in town. We had twin martinis and a sampler platter. We talked about many things including the fact that I was referred to as Timid Teri... I had such a good laugh.

After our visit we decided to go shopping. Deja Vu... This is my favorite sex store.

Just a day in the life of "timid" Teri.

Getting back to an Old Fashioned Christmas

While I was in a bad relationship the holidays became something I just tried to get through. My ex would want me to go with him and point out what I would like and then he would go back and get those exact items. I might as well have gone shopping for myself and it had no meaning. If I'm going to be in a relationship with a man for life, it has to mean something. I want him to learn about me and get that little something that expresses that. This is what I try to do.

I try to get into his head and find out what makes him tick and yes I might be wrong and he may hate it. But at least I try. I don't want to buy into what the advertisers tell me he wants. I don't think they really know him and I know they don't know me... She wants diamonds...? Not every girls wants diamonds.

I decided to get back to the basics of an old fashioned Christmas, the kind I had as a kid (Yes, I'm old). A stocking with a couple of neat little things some of which he had said that he liked but couldn't find in his area. Along with fruit, nuts, old fashioned candy and some books of topics we have in common. This is what I packed up into a care package.


Of course, you can't forget the true act of love...

Standing in the post office line.

This is the one thing that I still have that my ex got me for Christmas one year and I didn't pick it out. I decorate it every year for Christmas and every kid that come to the house plays with it. Every scratch and ding on it is a memory.

Last but not least a REAL tree with toys all over it. Hmmm... Just keeping in simple.

What is wrong with this picture?

Nothing, I thought.




I was talking to this cutie yesterday morning. We talked about where we live and what we do for a living. I asked him if he lifted weights and he said that he did, daily. I explain that I used to but that I stopped about five years age. No big deal, just chatting about simple little things. I told him I needed to get ready for work and he said that he might drop me a line on instant messenger one day. I told him that would be fine and I'll take to ya later. Oh and by the way, I said, my name is Teri and he said that his was Kenny. No big deal...Right?

I get home from work and Shandi is just busting at the seams for me to see something on my computer. I'm telling her, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, just a minute I want to catch Lew before he goes off to bed." She's telling me to look at the message...come on look...can you see it...? read it, read it...NO, NO, NO, out loud. At this point I'm saying, "WHAT!?" She says, "Pleeaaasssee I want you to read it." And so I look at it. "What the hell," was my response to the end of the IM. "YES," she says, "that's what I was wanting to know and how does he start so that he ends with this."

This is the message:

BUZZ!!!
m_p000: hi honey im here for you wow from the first time i met u i knew that my long search has finally ended
BUZZ!!!
BUZZ!!!
m_p000: Sending you my love with words spoken true From the depths of my heart I send them to you Like petals of a rose is the touch of your face
I can feel it every time remember that i ve just met my long search missing rib ur sweet looking face is like sweet dripping honey
Feels like butterflies swirlin' inside of my tummy The warmth of your face
is like a torch of fire The tingling inside makes me burn with desire
So I just wanna say my love for you is true Along with these words
I wanna say "I Love You"

Merry Christmas
from kenny

What the hell!

Shandi, will you stop laughing!!!

Independent

I'm not perfect...I'll be the first one to say it, in fact I believe that I have said it here before. So, when someone tells me that I am independent...I just say, "Yeah, I know and you say it like it's a bad thing". See I've never had someone that I could depend on and had to be independent. My father wasn't in the picture most of my life and my husband was out partying or taking a nap on the couch. If I wasn't independent I would look like a fool trying to depend on everyone I get in contact with and wouldn't be able to accomplish anything in my life. Just setting back waiting for someone to help me. Yeah, like that's going to happen.

Well with that in mind. I'm talking to this guy, his name is Lew, and we're discussing different options the future has for us. In the process says to me, "You will be getting your degree finished first". Now, I should be happy that he is standing beside me on this but I had already mentioned to him that I wasn't sure if I would finish. It is not easy to take classes full time and work two jobs, it is burning me out. However I know I really should be grateful that he's not like my ex-husband telling me, "Over his dead body I'd be going to school".

This ends up being a problem in some of my relationships, the fact that I don't need a man. I haven't had a real one so far and have gotten around very well, thank you very much. But, I want a man. I want a partner that I can share everything with and I would like to be able to depend on a him. I don't need him to do things for me but I would like him to want to do it and enjoy doing it. I love taking care of a man and when he appreciates it, it's awesome and I then want to do more.

I feel like I've lived four different lives so far. One was with a dad that was happier being at work then at home and my mother being disconnected . Another with my mother still disconnected but now working and me having my step dad that seamed more like a parent then I'd ever had before (who died 20 year ago). Still another with a husband that was a deadbeat and my three wonderful kids. And now, single for almost 5 years and no one telling me how it should be done. So that's the problem...I want a partner for life. I want his input and I want to input as well. But I'm used to doing it on my own. Now, how do I get from here to there? This is me...a work in progress.

Last day of school!!! till spring

This day started like many others, but it is the last day of school which makes it feel a little different. The alarm goes off at 5:30 a.m. and without fail my cousin and I roll out of bed. We don't usually speak right away...I think we pretend that we're still in bed and asleep. Neither of us are morning people and a cheerful "good morning" is out of the question. We're not grouchy, just quiet. She's making coffee and I head for my computer and turn it on. One after another there are pop ups and one of them is from a guy that I've been talking to on IM. Of course, I'm unable to respond right away because of there are so many pop ups...(This is why I don't usually shut the stupid ass thing off at night). I think that I should get some studying done for the final today but I'm already starting to feel the relief of no school that will be coming soon. Five weeks, no school ahhh....

As I was setting in class and taking the final the instructor calls us up one by one to let us know what our grade could be. I found out that if I do well on the final I will get an "A" but if I do badly I will get a "B". I still don't know what I got.




Now as I set in the restaurant eating my chicken fried steak and over easy eggs with hash browns and sourdough toast, I feel content that if I only get a "B" that will be fine but in the class while taking the test I was panicked and just wanted that "A". So I set here writing this as I eat and ask myself...Why don't I lighten up...Take it easy...Don't take things so seriously...BUT what if I ease up to much and then...Oh no...ohhh...I guess I will just have to live with me stressing myself out.

finals...

TWO MORE WEEKS!!!

more than words...

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know
What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you
More than words
Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know
What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you
More than words

Artist: Extreme Lyrics
Song: More Than Words Lyrics

When Conflict Arives in a Small Group

This is what I did after playing with the kids for Halloween... Homework.

Making up posters and goggling photos.

Coming up with different reasons people have conflict.

And how different people manage the conflict.

Gender, age, race, and the country you come from makes a difference.

And how we all need to respect each others different ways of dealing with it.

Gaining perspective

Today Shandi, her son and I went in search of pictures in downtown Bakersfield. Our town has grown so much in the last decade what with all the new malls and shopping centers; meanwhile, loosing its special charm.

Downtown Bakersfield is the original community, with it's tall buildings decorated in ornate architecture. Although we need our Targets and our K-Marts, we shouldn't have to lose the majestic quality of our original buildings. They have been restoring the downtown area in hopes of bringing business back. The area is now filled with small community businesses; coffee shops, art galleries, small dinner-theatres, restaurants, and boutiques. As with most established communities, there are many old trees lining the streets as well, giving you the impression of a relaxed atmosphere.

As we get downtown the streets are barricaded off, as we are having a street fair and car show. With the many old cars and old building it made me feel as if I stepped back in time.

I turned a corner and found myself looking up at this image. I realized when stepping back, how different it became.

I don't know how many times I have looked at things and didn't really see them. Or they are always there and I just never took the time to look at it at from a different angle.

Stepping away from the building, I gained this perspective and saw the entire work in relation to the architecture surrouding it. This is where I gained a true appreciation for it.

At this point I realized that there is a place for the old and the new within our community with each one having it's place in our lives.

Teri needs...

Teri needs a new broom

Teri needs a gawky, baldheaded loser with red and grey boxer shorts

Teri needs sex toys

Teri needs to get wiped a second time, the doctor gets wiped himself and has to give up psychiatry

Teri needs a gigilo

Teri needs the publics help to continue the search

Teri needs some problem free cock, and I think I've found a way for her to get it

Teri needs your home address and time of departure

Teri needs to go on the Oprah show

Teri needs our continued prayer

Teri is a delightful character with real flaws and needs

Teri needs all the help she can get

I don't invent them, I only posted them.

I'm still here

Because my life wasn't crazy enough...LOL. I took on another job. I'm really like it and I wish it was my primary job. It's at the College working in the computer commons. The students are all doing different assignments and if they have a question I help them out. If I don't know the answer I then help them to figure it out or look it up. I love doing this...It's too cool. Every time I take on something new I learn more about myself. Maybe this will help me decide what I want to be when I grow up?

Just the pill...Please

By now you are aware that I've been talking to this guy in South Dakota that I met through E-Harmony. Things are moving right along and we're getting to know each other more and more everyday even while he is in Louisiana helping with their crisis. Well, he is due to go home tomorrow and then the plan is that he will be flying out here to see me in two weeks.

I'm very anxious to finally met him. I feel like I know his mind, just not his body. There is one thing that I do know about his body and that is that he is still able to produce children... and so am I. Just in case we go there... I want to be safe. Between the two of us we have 5 kids and we're thinking that we don't need to go experience that any more, especially with the youngest being 14 years old.

After thinking about the different ways of preventing pregnancies I feel that the pill is the best way for me to go. I don't like waiting for 10 or 15 minutes for something to work and then you can't orally go down there. That's messed up. And as far as condoms ...that's just wrong. But, I have no medical insurance and so, it's time for me to go to a clinic.



Okay this is all new for me. I ask around to some friends at work to find the best way of doing this. One of my friends tells me about planned parenthood. So, I call and set up an appointment. Easy enough, right? So I have this appointment and I go.

I set there with nice clothes, while others are dressed in...well...they are there to get their pill and they are dressing the part...? I had to fill out all of this paper work... and the questions... It was crazy. Have I been with more than 6 guys with in 6 months? I've done some crazy things, but this...ummm? Have I been with anyone that had open sores? What?! So I fill out the paper work with a shit load of NO's and set there wanting to hurry up and go to the back with a nurse or doctor, thinking that it will then get better.

Finally I go to the back and the nurse starts talking to me about different types of birth control. I tell her that I just want to go on the pill. But she wants me to hear of other alternatives. So, I set back a listen. She mentions condoms and I shoot it down right away. She then goes though other types that I also shoot down.

She says, "How about this?" She hold up this thing that looks like a little girls bright pink bracelet. "What is that?" Is my response. "It's the newest in birth control," she tells me. I'm thinking, (A fucking bracelet, I don't think so). "And what do you do with that?" I ask. "You just put it up in side like a tampon and leave it there for 3 weeks." (In my mind I think this one through. I'm making love to my man and his cock is in touching this female hormone, is his voice going to change? or... he's going in and out and the damn thing ends up rapped around his cock...! or he's going down on me, having oral sex and he's going to ingest this into his mouth...? Did they test all of this? Are these people out of their minds?) I have had enough and say, "Ummm.... Can I just have the pill!"

Twenty-Seven Years ???

I was going through boxes of stuff the other day looking for some paper work and came across my senior picture as I have many times before. This time it was so strange looking at me or is it her. I stopped and was trying to remember what my hopes and dreams were back then. While in high school I took every business class I could and found them interesting. I got pregnant soon after graduation and things became different then what I had planned. I wonder where I would be now if I had followed through with going into a business office. I know that I couldn't have gotten married to my ex-husband (Jon) or if I had, it wouldn't have ended much earlier.

At the time that this picture was taken, I was going with a guy that was three years older then me. He was a drummer, working at the cement plant and going to college. I was still a virgin (in the since that he had never interred me). I broke up with him just before Christmas. A few months later he was asking me to go back to him and telling me that he would raise the baby as his own and not to tell the real father about the pregnancy being his. My life would have gone closer to the plan then. This man encouraged me to do what I dreamed. Hmm... I broke up with him because he never worried about where I was and what I was doing, he knew I was his. I thought that meant that he didn't care.

Twenty seven years later... Comparing these two pictures, not just visually but mentally. Now, I'm back in school and I'm looking for a man that doesn't worry about where I am because he knows I'm his. Good god, I took the long way around on that one.

the LORD's day?

It's Sunday morning and I will be working today in the restaurant. This is the one day of the week that I don't like working. Those people that have gone to church and now they want to be waited on. They're arrogant and give off this, "How dare you work on Sunday", and the, "They are not giving me much money for a tip because they gave to the church". These people don't even turn they face to look at me. They cut their eyes and look at me sideways. If they truly believe that I shouldn't be working on Sunday, they should not bring their sorry asses out to eat on this day. When they give me too much attitude I ask, "So what was your sermon about?" and you know...They don't usually remember. How about you...Do you remember what your sermon was about???

on the beach

I set in the sand and I watch the waves
my breathing becomes one with the waves
I find my rhythm and
then once again
I feel calm

Cauliflower ear...

I have been on the phone nonstop, to a man that I've never met in person. (This would explain why I haven't been blogging). First of all, he lives in South Dakota which is one on the reasons I haven't met with his touch yet. The other reason is the he is now in Louisiana. He's running from me as fast as he can....hahaha! Actually... No.

When you go in search of a very caring man, you have to know that he will do everything that he can to help those in need. I do know this and so I wasn't surprised when he told me that he had offered to help with catastrophes in the United States. He kept me informed as they called every step of the way. Making sure I was okay with him going. He made sure that it wasn't a surprised when he got the call that he would be going. However, he was surprised at what I told him. I said that I wasn't going anywhere and I will be here waiting when he gets done. In his past the other woman would have said that if he left, she wouldn't be there when he got back. I don't understand the person that feels the need to try to control other people like that.

Building a relationship takes time but when you have a "phone-ship" relationship first you learn more about each other than you normally would with conventional ways of dating someone. All you have is your words about the past and what you want for the future and how it all makes you feel. For many of the guys that I started talking with, they felt horny and couldn't move beyond that. To that I say,"Bye-bye and next". Don't get me wrong, sex is important but I need to know that a man has a brain as well and can talk with some form of intelligence. Also, he needs to have a zest for life. Couch potatoes need not apply. The fact that he is in Louisiana makes me believe that I maybe on the right track with this one. I hope so...

Dating...

Dating in the 70's was much different then it is now and that was while I was still in high school. In the year 2001 I became single again. I dated here and there but they would instantly talk about when we get married...? Scare me...Slow down. So I took a brake from dating.

Months later someone that I thought I knew, asked me out. We dated for about a year but it seamed as if he would pick a fight and then we would be on a brake. While on a trip to George to visit his family for thanks-giving he was still doing this. He would then disappear for hours afterwards. Only to try to make up before morning, probably so that his family wouldn't question it. After we got home he finally told me that he had some business deals that he was taking care of. He paid his way out of those deals and now felt safe in telling me about them. Something about one of his prostitutes had been murdered...I knew him and his wife while they were still married. Knew him 16 years before I ever dated him. His wife never knew about this and still doesn't to this day. I brake up for good and immediately went to the doctor and had a full battery of tests done and followed up with more later.

Months later I was feeling daring and started dating another man. We also dated for about a year. He was ten years my senior but I didn't find that to be a problem. However; from time to time he would get into a cranky mood and that was a problem. He was a contract negotiator for electronic warfare for the government, so I could see where it would be stressful. Of course doing that kind of work he was unable to discuss it. His grandkids come down from Washington for two weeks to visit. We had gone out for a drive and once again he got cranky...The little three year old girl starts singing this song, "Grandpa's got issues, grandpa's got issues...." Over and over again.... Oh my god, I had to laugh. We broke up shortly after that.

For the next 2 1/2 years I didn't date. I started school and was concentrating on my studies. That worked for a while but I couldn't keep avoiding the fact that I don't like being single. I can support myself and I like my company but I would like to share my life with someone. Even in my marriage I didn't feel like I had that.

That brings me to the e-dating thing, with 29 dominations of yada...yada...yada. We've all seen the advertisement. I just want to cut the crap and find the one that it's compatible with me. This is how I met Eric and yes...we are compatible but he didn't have the spark for me. So, I was talking (e-mailing) this other one and I don't know if I quit sending messages or he quit sending me messages, but apparently there wasn't anything there either. Then, I was talking to another one. Well he was talking, I couldn't get a word in edgewise. The part that got me was he didn't have a cell phone because of bad credit and was having a hard time finding a house because of bad credit and...? I was seeing RED flags?! There were others that I was e-mailing and I maybe very critical but one little wrong word and I can't get it out of my mind. I end it and go to the next.

Now, I'm talking to another one. We talk on the phone for hours...hours... and it never seams like we've been on the phone long at all. After I get off the phone I realize that it's after midnight. We have talked about e*v*e*r*y*t*h*i*n*g and feel very computable doing it. He was also married for over 20 years and hasn't dated much. So far...So good. ;)

Rrrrrr...

It's making my crazy...
My posts are not going up right.
Is it me or is it blogger?

trying to get over it

I feel as if I'm loosing my mind. Things have been difficult here lately for me. I broke it off with Eric, as you know and I haven't been the same. I'm just flustered and my posts have been stupid. Ok, well someone suggested bunnies frolicking for a topic to write on. I was thinking, there's an image. Yeah, that's going to help me get it together. Anyway...I go to google to find an image. Did any one go there and look before you put that thought in my mind? Well, here it is...Type it into google...you'll see. This is the first picture on the google search and it isn't helping me forget the fact that I don't have a boyfriend anymore.

A friend told me that as a rule the amount of pain you feel is in direct proportion to the love that you felt. I do believe this. I've remained friends with most of the guys that I've dated and this one has been the same way. However, there was some time of no contact before just being friends. I think maybe he's contacting me too much, too soon and it's not letting me get my bearings straight.

I hope that I've not upset anyone with my chaos. Please bear with me. This too I will get through.

and how are you?

A friend sent me an e-mail that said: It's Monday, Teri. Have you done anything nice for yourself lately?

My response: Well now...Shandi and I did go to the river with the kids on Saturday. However; the baby got sick on the way up, the weather was much cooler and the wind was blowing like hell. But we made the best of it... Only to come back to town and find that both of our mothers were here. We then ended up with a big pain on the left side of our necks and feeling like it needed to be pop back in place. Is that normal, to have that kind of pain when mothers arrive? Meanwhile I have not really done a post in a week, other then little pictures with little comments, trying to stall. Just haven't been ready to deal with my emotions yet. Other than that I'm fuckin peachy... :) And how are you?

Salt Lake City!

Follow your nose and then enjoy...

just to get by

Sometimes I need a little something just to get by. It thought it would be nice to call upon a little fairy to help but I didn't want one with too much sweet shit...I'm not in the mood for that. If anyone else needs to.... you can borrow my fairy. Maybe she will inspire you.




Oh well... back to the real world.

hmmm...

Trying to stay busy?

not there...

It's nothing that you did
it's nothing that I did
but I feel it in your touch
and your not there

You don't want me to go
I don't want to go
but I need it in your touch
and your not there

You want me to wait
you think it might grow
but it's been seven weeks
and it's not there

The longer that I wait
the harder it will be
it's no one's fault
it's just not there

I need you to hear me
I truly and deeply love you
but if your not there
I can't be here

And so I begin to cry
as I say good bye
I will miss you much
you're not here

Dedicated to Eric 7/13/05-9/5/05